My Charmed Life

We didn’t date long enough for people to be shocked we broke up and try to convince us to get back together, but we did date long enough for it to be ridiculously hard to just get over it and move on and not have the hope of fixing things. UGH.

I wanna talk to him so bad!!!

The weekend is here so it’s fair game now.  Who will crack first?

I am seriously considering going to see a shrink.  Ok that’s not actually true, but this is getting ridiculous. Like I should not be this upset.  It’s like my thoughts are consumed with him.  Is that normal 3 weeks after a break up?  I feel like it’s definitely not…I feel like I’ve honestly gotten worse…Maybe that’s just because I went home and have more free time, but I feel like now every thought traces back to him.  It’s so stupid.  I just don’t understand what’s wrong with me!  He was getting lazy with our relationship and I cried/teared up multiple times.  Granted, I cried a lot just because I cry a lot and I was overreacting, but still…I cried way more than a girl should in a relationship.  And you shouldn’t be with someone who makes you cry.  He didn’t take care of me when I was sick either.  So I guess I’m just missing the idea of having a boyfriend more than him? I don’t know, that definitely could be it.  Maybe I just miss the way things were in the beginning when he really tried and was literally almost perfect…But why would I want to be with someone who gets lazy and just stops trying?  I’m very frustrated with myself. I try so hard not to think about him, but that ends up making me think about him more so it’s like idk what to do!  

The problem is a shrink will just tell me dumb cliche shit that I already know.  That won’t help me anyway.

Maybe it’s the hope that’s making this harder.  When we last talked we decided we wouldn’t talk for a week and see how we felt after that.  We thought we’d take some time to reflect on ourselves.  See if we miss each other.  He said he thought about our break up a little bit and he regrets it on some level.  Yet, he is a compulsive liar so that probably doesn’t mean ANYTHING.  He said he HAS second guessed it a bit, but even if we do get back together it will take time…which is true…but it was probably worse that he said these things.  Now I have all this false hope that is killing me inside.  Like I obviously can’t stop thinking about him right now, but is he thinking about me at all?!!??!  I considered taking his tweets off my phone but it wouldn’t even matter since I would just go check them ANYWAY. I guess I could learn to control myself, but then I would just be going crazy not checking them.  I actually feel like a crazy person.  

Maybe it’s been really rough the past couple days because I feel like there is pressure with this plan we made up.  Will he text me in a week?  Will I cave and text him?  Will we just straight up not talk again?  I guess I feel anxious and nervous because I don’t know what’s going to happen.  We said we would see how we feel and I know how I feel, but NO idea how he feels…maybe after this week is over I’ll feel more calm and like not restricted to some goal.  If we talk I won’t feel like I’m breaking some code.  I said I didn’t wanna be friends, but I hate losing a friend!  I had so much fun talking to him!  Every night I just feel bored and want to text him so bad, but I can’t cuz we broke up.  Maybe trying not to be friends is making it worse! Now I can’t stop thinking about him because we’re not talking at all and I have no idea what he’s up to and it’s driving me more crazy.  Maybe if we talked I would find him annoying or something and be happy just moving on. 

I think I’m just thinking too much really.  Once this weekend comes I’ll feel a lot better.  This not takling for a week thing really just isn’t helping me.  But that is techinically how you move on…but again that’s when the guy just dumps you and tells you he never wants to talk to you again…which was Connie’s situation…so then you just HAVE to stop talking and accept it…and this is different than that…

I tried to text another potential guy to get things off my mind, but it hasn’t really been working.  We’re just not clicking the way Chad and I did.  I hate losing someone that you clicked with so instantly!  It just doesn’t make sense to move on  when you found that.  I’m also probably really upset because our 4 month would be this coming Sunday…so that’s kind of a bummer…maybe once that passes I’ll feel better. BLAH. also I hate thinking about how long summer is.  Summer is 4 months!!! That’s longer than we were official! That seems insane to me!  This summer without him will be longer than the time we were officially dating and like Idk but it sounds torturous.  I guess we were unofficially together for 4 months so it’s about equal timing but man it just sounds so sad! It makes our relationship seem REALLY short too…but it didn’t feel short to me…and I guess a full semester is a long time…but wow summer just makes our relationship seem stupid.

BUT all in all…I really just want to know if he’s missing me too.  Am I in his thoughts at all?  Does he dream about me?  Does he still even read my tweets?  Does he still care what I’m saying?  Is he happy he doesn’t have to talk to me?  Or does he want to text me too?  I hate the unknown and it’s making this week really hard…So I guess we’ll see what happens this weekend. Only time will tell and I need to stop letting him consume my thoughts!  If we get back together it will take time and if we don’t it will take time to move on…but I don’t need to be so crazy about it.

IF I EVER MADE FUN OF YOU FOR NOT GETTING OVER A BOY I AM SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO SORRY!!!!!!!! so hypocritical.  it is so so so so so hard and I should never have judged anyone. NEVER AGAIN!  I used to tell people to move the fuck on and he doesn’t matter, blah blah blah, but oh it is not that easy.  I used to judge people for still talking to their ex boyfriends and giving them 2nd chances, but why did I do that?!  I guess you really just don’t understand until it happens to you. So from the bottom of my heart, I’m so sorry for not understanding and being so hypocritical. <3

Tomorrow I’m off to Ann Arbor to see the Avengers at midnight so that should be really fun and help get my mind off things. And I have never been more excited to drive on a freeway!!!!! love it so much.

So tonight is the last night I’ll see Chad.  I know I need to cut the ties and move on, but this is about to be sooooooo hard and awful. We were gonna talk earlier, but we met up too late because he was busy playing beer pong…go figure. But we went on a short walk.  It made me so sad.  I love just walking with him and talking about random shit and other people.  I love just hearing his voice.  I love walking alongside him.  But at the same time the walk was sad.  Walking side by side seeing his hand swinging back and forth but not being able to hold it…hurts so much.  I don’t know how I lost someone I liked so much.  You’d think caring about someone so much would be enough but I guess that’s not always true.  I started talking about how I was upset about tonight and he was like why don’t you wanna go rage?! Because I’m sad!!!! I don’t understand why he doesn’t get that.  And then I went on a long rant about how he doesn’t let himself feel anything.  He’s put up a wall since whatever happened with this girl he used to like in the fall, but he needs to let himself go! I don’t know if that affected him at all, but I’m so sick of him acting like nothing is wrong.

He’s coming back after dinner and we’re gonna talk it out I guess.  I just don’t know what I want to say.  It’s like anticlimactic.  I have so much I want to say, but probably none of it will end up coming out.  This is the last time I’m going to see him for 4 months after seeing him everyday since December 30th…I mean that’s big. I just had all these thoughts of stuff we were gonna do over the summer and I can’t believe things are falling apart.  I don’t know where we went wrong really when we liked each other so much in the beginning.  I don’t know how I want to leave this.  I love being with him, but I can’t just be his friend.  That’s never gonna work and I don’t think he gets that. Maybe he’ll miss me this summer and we’ll work it out, but I can’t just be his friend because these feelings won’t go away if we still talk all the time.  

The past couple weeks have been weird.  We’ve still been talking and hanging out and that’s clearly not normal for people who just broke up. I’m probably taking it all the wrong way, but it just makes me feel like something is weird with our situation because people don’t do this.  I’m not the only one initiating stuff and it doesn’t make sense for him to ask me so many questions and want to spend so much time with me if he is so ready to move on.

But I still don’t know what I want to say tonight.  Do I want to tell him we’re not going to be friends anymore? Or should I just let him figure that out on his own? I just don’t know how to end things.  I’ve never dealt with this before and it’s really hard when you still feel so much for them.  I feel like a lot of times relationships end after things have been rocky for a long time, but it wasn’t really like that with us…This is all very sudden and strange…and when relationships do end suddenly the guy doesn’t usually still spend a lot of time with the girl and ask her all these questions about her life…Or relationships just end because the people were an awkward match that didn’t make sense from the beginning…but none of these scenarios really fit us…I just wish I knew how to handle this. 

I guess I’ll just see where my words take me tonight…so much I wanna say, but I don’t know what’s right to say…I don’t wanna sound needy, but I still feel like this shouldn’t be over. But he’s not gonna realize he misses me until I let him go.  Being with him made me so happy and I wish I could make him happy again.  I guess I just don’t wanna have any regrets after our chat tonight…I don’t wanna feel like I missed saying something important so I just hope I get everything off my chest that I need to. I have this stupid hope that I’ll say something that will make him change his mind…but he’s not going to.  I can’t make him do anything.  He’ll only change his mind if he lets himself and nothing I say will really change that…It’s just so weird to say goodbye to someone who was such a big part of your life…I’ve really never done this before and I know it’s hardest with your first boyfriend…but wow I never imagined it would be like this.

so last year i posted a list of goals…they included

Things I want to do in the next few years.

kinda funny what i’ve accomplished since then…havent technically done the walk of shame but i have walked back from a guy’s place the next morning in his clothes, hooked up with 3 legit sexy people, one was my boyfriend so that was a damn good time, hooked up in a dangerous-ish place (revelli hall girls bathroom, mojo elevator, haha), could have definitely broke up with someone and probably should have did that since he wasn’t treating me right but for some reason i still can’t get over the fool, i was the one someone cheated with (didn’t realize it at the time..but he was dating this girl a week before it happened and a week after…so yeah that happened), had chad’s roomie walk in on us, katie walk in on us, and the elevator open on us…so really the only things left on my list are mila kunis which is a joke, gsi which is another joke, and break up/cheat on someone which are stupid goals anyway…so i kinda accomplished all the good shit…which is kinda cool to think about…i’ve had a great year…i wish i could stop being so sad right now…why do i like this boy so much and why doesn’t he like me?